Ring, Ring

My other line rang. The line that is only used for my kids to call my ex-husband (not to be confused with my last boyfriend, the nutcase) or my mother when I am tying up my own phone, or in case of emergency when I do something like go to my building office without them. It was the crazy ex. The one who is not allowed, by court order, to call me. I hit ignore. It rang again. After the third call, I turned the phone off.

I thought the silence would make me feel better, but instead, I am now alone with nothing but the thoughts in my head. There is no noise to distract me from wondering why the hell he is calling. It is especially odd that he would call that line, instead of my cell phone. I cannot help but wonder if this was an attempt to find out if I am home, which terrifies me.

It isn’t just that I am now afraid about him coming here tonight. Or that I am just afraid of him starting up the harassing phone calls again.

It is the realization that this may be how I spend the rest of my life. That I may spend forever, or at the very least a long time, looking over my shoulder, repeatedly checking the locks on my door, holding my breath when my phone rings. It is the reminder that court orders are only pieces of paper, and that he has continually violated them, in all sorts of ways, and clearly no piece of paper will ever mean that he will actually leave me alone.

No piece of paper will ever guarantee that my children and I are safe.

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